The Power of Our Words, The Truth of Who We Are!
How often do we speak without thought? Thinking out loud, reacting to the words of others, or simply speaking for the sake of conversations, to fill up time and space. Some of us do this out of pure habit, some of us do this to make ourselves feel more comfortable in the presence of others, so we don't have to really connect with them on a deeper level, or we do this mindless chattering in the presence of what we have come to call "an uncomfortable silence," still some of us do this because our emotions are so raw, because we have not taken the time to sort out our feelings and the root cause of those emotions, and because of this we do not have the self restraint and peace of mind to speak from our truth instead of from our emotions in the moment. The truth is most of us our guilty of all of the above, we may have a predominant habit of speech, but from what I have observed in myself and others, we all do these things in our speech and much of the time we don't even realize we are doing it. In some cases we walk away and don't even give the conversation we just had any thought, as we busy ourselves on to the next task. Or maybe, our conversation got very heated, we didn't feel like we were heard or understood, or we didn't feel validated in some way from the conversation, we then can spend countless hours, sometimes even days re-hashing the conversation in our own heads, or even worse gossiping about it to others, creating multiple conversations that lead us further and further away from our truth, and the skill of using our words to convey ourselves to our own brains and to one another, as the love and light that we really are, at the core of our being.
We have all had the experience of having a conversation with someone we care deeply about, and afterwards spending hours thinking of the things we wish we said, and/or all the things we wish we didn't say. In this way, we continue to focus on the past, the conversation that has already taken place, rather then the present. This very pattern causes us to continue to bring the past into the present, leaving us distracted and unable to focus our attention to the present moment, and very often leaves us distracted in the very next conversation we engage in. When this happens, we often find ourselves in the next conversation with another person and we are either completely unengaged in the conversation we are having in this next moment, or worse we are still working the viscous cycle of the last conversation over in our minds, and often then impose our underlying, unresolved thoughts and emotions on the present conversation, causing ourselves and the person we are speaking to, subjected to a repetition of this same cycle, but this time with more venom, regret and emotion, so we then make an even bigger effort to make sure we are heard, and that our point is made in this second conversation that has absolutely nothing do with the last conversation. Sound familiar? I know I have done exactly this on several occasions, many times without recognizing it was even happening.
What would our relationships with ourselves and with others looks like, if we choose our words carefully, spoke with intention and meaning, and chose to speak to others in a way that conveyed our truest selves, beneath or rather above our emotions, and our emotional reactions to what we believe we are hearing from the other half of the conversation? What if instead, we spent our time in quiet contemplation, where we made time to consider the effect that our words have not only on each other but on our own well being? Would we not then leave most of our conversations with a sense of appreciation, for our ability to connect and relate to others, without a sense of regret, hurt feelings and frustration? Sure, we are going to have disagreements with others, but if we allow ourselves and others this space for disagreement, and begin to see varying viewpoints as learning opportunities, we can usually walk away still feeling connected to one another and with another point of view to contemplate, rather then the need to gossip, re-hash the past or stuck with an overwhelming sense of frustration.
It is my experience that our words our one of our most powerful tools to convey our intentions, our love, and our truest selves, if we speak with intention, and from a place of non-reaction. Really what else do we have to communicate with each other besides our words and our actions. We have all heard the saying "actions speak louder then words." But do they really? Sure, if we are talking about mindless chatter and words without meaning, then actions probably do speak louder then words. But meaningful and truthful thoughts conveyed through the language we have agreed upon as our means of communicating with each other, leave a lasting imprint, not only to those who choose to listen to us, but also on own selves. Somewhere deep inside, we remember what we have said and what we have heard, especially when we have heard ourselves or others speak from a highly emotional and combative place as well as when we have participated in a conversation that comes from a place of truth, intention and an effort to express who we really are. Our brains remember every word we have uttered, and the words we choose, tell our brain what to think about us, so it's seems like a good idea to make an effort to use words that tell our brains to know us for our truth, the way we want to be known to ourselves and to others. It really is that simple, just not that easy.
If you think about it, when we are all dead and gone, re-born, in heaven, whatever we choose to believe about death, it is the word that continues to tell the story. Our words are left behind for others to read, or for others to pass on through the gift of storytelling. When our words are passed through others, the intention and truth behind them is passed down as well. If we set our words up as an argument to defend or present a point, our words will carry on this argumentative tone, as our story gets passed down through the people who know us and through the written word we leave behind. If our words express the truth deep within us, this too will get passed down in whatever way our words continue to be heard long after our bodies have had their run. Our words will ultimately be translated and interpreted by others but our intention will not be lost.
Think of a beautiful poem, story or song that you have heard or read, that really spoke to your heart, your truth. Perhaps one that you either had to interpret for school or one that simply stuck with you. We may be left to guess and speculate the meaning long after the author is gone, but the beauty comes through, we remember something about ourselves and our own truth by reading or hearing the truth of someone we haven't met, but we feel like we know them....Why? I believe it is because when the words are pure with intent and meaning, the truth and intention of the writer or speaker shines through, and through that person's bravery to speak in a way that shows their truth, we recognize our own truth, and in this way, we do know them. Even if we don't realize it, or don't want to realize it, we are experiencing the One Truth, the truth that we all share, that each one of us is something more beautiful then we usually know, and that each one of us is connected to everyone we have ever known, or haven't known by this common thread, the truth of who we really are, spectacular beyond words can do justice. We see in these stories and poems that have touched us, an expression of truth and the willingness of the speaker or author to let themselves be seen for who they really are, and something in us recognizes that our truth is the same, we want to be known and accepted for exactly who we really are, outside of the constrains of who we or the rest of the world thinks we should be.
What if we could speak clearly, with intention, from our truest truth? What if we could move into a conversation with the goal being to communicate with one another from a place of our truth above and beyond our fragile emotions, our need to be heard or right or validated and engage in discussion with one another, leaving our personal agenda aside, for the sake of honest and thoughtful communication? Then what would our conversations look like, what might we discover together, and how well connected would we then feel to one another? Likewise, how would we then feel about ourselves, how would our beliefs about ourselves and others be affected by this type of mindful, intentional, and non-reactive use of our words?
In my own contemplation, we can communicate from a place that honors our highest self, but it takes practice, a lot of practice. It also requires that we spend time sorting out our own agenda on our own, bring clarity to what our real intentions are and choosing to get very clear and very real with ourselves about what our underlying emotions are and how they affect our speech. Like anything else worth doing, it wont be easy and it will take practice. We wont always get it right, and many of us will feel alone in our efforts as most of the world does not operate on these ideas yet. However, if we know our words determine what our brains believes is true about us, and we know our brains control all other systems of our bodies, including our emotions and our underlying feelings about who we are, is it not worth our time and effort to pay attention to the words we choose both in our speech with others and in our speech with and about ourselves both out loud and in our own minds?
I will talk more about the chatter that goes on inside our heads at another time, as it is a whole other animal, challenge and opportunity for growth. In the meantime, perhaps we can begin by focusing on the words we hear ourselves say out loud. Perhaps we can take a moment before we speak, tell others that we are not prepared to speak thoughtfully, when we get caught off guard, instead of mindlessly filling the void, and begin to pay attention to the motivation behind our speech as we talk and talk each and everyday. Remember it takes time and practice and as in all things awareness is the first step.
If this is something you are ready to bring your attention, so that you have the awareness necessary to choose to make your words match the truth in your heart, I applaud you for your courage and your willingness to take a look inside yourself. If you are not ready, I applaud you for making your own choice, and still choosing to read this far into this article. We all have our work to do, and all of us have a different amount and type of work that will benefit us most now, in this moment. It's wonderful when we can consider a point of view, make our own judgements about it, yet still have read up to this point.
So now what? There are many approaches to bringing awareness to our speech and attention to the intention behind our words. For some people, it is easier to observe this phenomenon in others, before they are able to see it in themselves; this is normal, and I don't see anything wrong with it; just make sure you don't speak while observing what you think may be the underlying intention of the speaker, knowing that you can never really be sure; brains are complex and people are unique.
We can guess with some degree of accuracy that the person who is always demanding attention, talking over everyone else, doesn't consider others ideas, etc, is someone who has a need to feel heard, to feel important and to feel respected for their knowledge, ideas and leadership. What we don't know is why this person feels this way, there can be any number of contributing factors to why a person feels a deep need for this type of validation and attention. What we do know is that this person;s brain believes that they are somehow less then what they really are. Again we can make some educated guesses, we know this person does not feel looked up to, needed, important and capable, so they use every opportunity they can find, to fulfill this deep seeded need through conversations with others. But for everything we think we know, there are exceptions, and we can not know where exactly these deep seeds originate from,there are so many possibilities..
Recall the fact that ALL of us know ourselves according to what we have told our brains and from what our brains has heard through the speech of others. These beliefs don't go away when we achieve our dream job, marry someone we love, start a family, get a big promotion, like we might suspect they would; on the contrary, when these great things happen in our lives, if deep down, we believe we are not good enough, not smart enough, etc, we will do everything we can to keep others from figuring out what we fear is "the truth" about who we really are. And we will go to great lengths, to keep up the facade of who we are, and our strongest ally is through the power of the word. We will continue to work and work to cover up what we think is the awful truth about ourselves, by speaking to others in a way that makes us feel heard, authoratative, important, and anything else we really don't beleive we are.So the next time you get corned by the person who wants to tell you how much better they are than you, take a deep breath, and see if you can find compassion for what this person has been misled to believe about themselves.
At this point, if you are observing others as your gateway this is not the type of information you want to share, even if your are observing the speech and words of someone close to you. Remember it is really just a tool, so that you can begin to look at your own speech and your own words objectively, which can be a very hard pill to swallow. So I wouldn't advise forcing it down anyone's throat. Because your goal and the only thing you can really do to change communication, is change your own relationship to words and speech, while inspiring others through your findings, sharings and honest communications. Everyone must decide to communicate with awareness. respect for the power of words and from their own truth on their own, at their own time. This is true always but especially if you are not ready to see your own agenda, needs and underlying intentions in your speech.
When you want to share with a friend, the best way is to share your own experience, admit your own ways in which you've become aware of your own tendencies towards speaking without thinking, or giving consideration to your own emotions and what underlying needs might be driving your speech. This type of sharing with others, is good practice for us, to humble ourselves, practice speaking from a place of truth and to spark an interest in others, just as you may not be ready now, your family and friends will be even less likely to be ready either, But when people around us have the courage to change, to share their change and the difficulties associated with that change, we are listneing, we are taking it in, and a seed is being planed inside of us for further growth. When individuals choose to learn how to speak truthfully without an emotional agenda, simply from a place of sharing our own truths, others do not forget. Chances are you won't forget this writing, and when you begin to speak you may notice a differnt level of attention, as your subconciouss mind begins to awaken to your own speech, as well as the speech of others.
When you decide to bring your attention to your thoughts and the words you choose. Begin to pay attention to what's going on in your emotional body as you are speaking? Are you speaking to fulfill an emotional need, to gain support, to feel better, to make a point, to be right, to be heard? When you bring you intention to your awareness, you will be able to shed light on the reasons you are speaking to others, in the way you are choosing to speak. This is an especially useful exercise when having a conversation with your partner.
Conversations with our partners are one of the easiest places to spot our hidden agendas when we speak, but not necessarily the easiest place to begin to change, for some it may be, in my experience, it's best to get a little bit well schooled at speaking without a personal agenda with friends, co-wokers, neighbors, even strangers before we go and change the way we speak to our partners. Like all of this, this is my personal experience and opinion. But I find that changing the patterns of a partnership, will immediately get a response from your partner, and it's best to be confident that you know what your doing, why your doing it, and that it works out to everyone's advantage. The reason for this is we usually have the most complex communication patterns with our partners, at least most of us do, where love, friendship, romantic love, parenting, and years of being together blur the lines of our communication. We can sit down with our spouse or significant other and talk through eight different subjects in under ten minutes, while the TV is on and our children are running a muck, or while one of us is folding the laundry while the other is finishing up text messages from work. Sound familiar?
That is all I wish to say on this subject for today, I am doing my work to look closely at my own speech, how I present myself, the ever unfolding truth about the intentions behind my speech, as well as how I receive communication from others. My work is to learn how to continue to separate myself emotionally especially when in heated debate. I have a tendency to take things more personally than is reasonable, and equally interesting I have a way of internalizing the speech of others, allowing the words of others to affect me, in ways I know are un-necessary and less than healthy, this is my work. What is yours? Share here!
